Feral Tap Takeover

The tap list for the Local Taphouse Feral Takeover is out! Actually its been out for some time but here it is in it's presumably final form. Cast your eyes over this virtual Pantheon of beers from a true juggernaut of the craft brewing scene. Go on, I'll wait...

1. Feral White (Belgian Witbier, 4.6%)
2. Hop Hog (US IPA, 5.8%)
3. Golden Ace (5.5%)
4. Bohemian Pilsener (5%)
5. Smoked Porter (4.5%)
6. Rust (Belgian abbey ale, 6%)
7. Farmhouse Ale (Saison, 4.3%)
8. The Runt (American Pale Ale, 4.6%)
9. Funky Junky (Wild Ale, 4.3%)
10. Razorback (Barleywine, 9.8%)
11. Karma Citra (5.9%)
12. Boris (Russian Imperial Stout, 10.2%)
13. BFH (oak fermented IPA, 5.8%)
14. Fantapants (Double Red Ale, 7.4%)
15. 983 (Pale Ale with Sorachi hops, 4.5%)
16. IWit2.0 (Imperial Belgian Witbier, 7.5%)
17. Nice Guy Dud Root Brown Ale (4.9%)
18. Sail & Anchor IPA (British IPA, 5.2%)
19. Brass Monkey Stout (Oatmeal Stout, 5%)
20. Jose the Gose (Gose)

By Toutatis that is an impressive line up! I honestly don't know where I'm going to start, although I know where I'm going to end, asleep in the St Kilda Botanical Gardens. Pretty much situation normal after one of these Taphouse events.

I'm really keen to get go round 2 with the Karma Citra, and as a wheat beer lover the IWit2.0 is a must. BFH, the new brown Ale and Jose I don't even know what a Gose is!!! Dammit, May the 3rd seems so distant, I guess I'll just have to make do with jugs of Hop Hog at the Great Northern. Keep your calendars clear...

The Victorian Microbrewery Showcase

One of the events that causes a great deal of anticipation is the microbrewery showcase at Federation Square.

As I patiently sat at the entrance waiting for 4.30 (which became 4.40) I people watched my way to the realization that this event now attracts the complete gamut of punters.

Old men with incredibly bushy eyebrows, suits wearing sunglasses where it is much too dark to wear sunglasses, girls in summer dresses that I’m scared to approach as they are too beautiful, hipsters with asymmetrical haircuts and tight jeans, girls that I am scared to approach as I believe they might bite me.

Everyone from all walks of life came down to Fed Square to sample a great selection of beers from some of the biggest, some of the smallest, and some of the newest microbreweries in Victoria.

Cavalier Brewery were the new kids on the block and their initial three beers are very promising. The pale ale is a lovely aroma and very pleasant taste and will likely become refined and a soild staple beer. 

The brown ale and hefeweizen were also a very high standard and I’m excitedly awaiting some more from these lads.

The Local Taphouse in St.Kilda was represented on the day with the announcement that they will be opening their retail outlet in the next seven weeks, which is exciting.

But what’s that? You want more? Well here’s something. They will also be providing two litre growlers of the ever rotating draught beer they hold.

Still not enough? Well I don’t know what’s wrong with you, but fine. 

If you call 1300 GROWLER they have decided they will DELIVER THE GROWLERS FOR FREE WITHIN A 4KM RADIUS.

Sorry, let me compose myself. 

The beer highlight for myself was undoubtedly the collaboration from Thornbridge Brewery and Mountain Goat. The Thorny Goat Black IPA. 

Wow. A fantastic style of beer that is largely unchartered in Australian beer. Big shoes have been manufactured with this collaboration and the gauntlets have been thrown down to Australian breweries to fill. I’m really looking forward to this style growing. More about this particular beer can be found here. 

The Crafty One was spotted nabbing a few interviews here and there so we can look forward to the next installment of Crafty Pint Films.

Some of the entrants to the Great SpecTAPular were around again, some to finish the last of the supply, some to suggest they may be around as seasonal releases again. One of these beers that saw the light of day from the GABS was the Otways Blueberry Hefeweizen which was tasting mighty good I might add. 

Speaking with Luke from Otway Estate about seasonal releases he happened to casually mention that he expects the brewery will release 24-36 seasonal brews this year. 

Commence your mental and physical salivation. 

Another excellent addition to this edition of this showcase was Beer Deluxe’s willingness to turn part of their outside bar into the cider garden, allowing the showcasing of some wonderful Victorian ciders among the educated and willing crowd. 

A special mention goes out to the Grand Ridge Brewery for having samples of just about every beer they currently have available (including seasonals) which really is the true meaning of “showcase” to let punters get a complete idea about what they offer. 

You’ve heard enough from me. If you were there on the Wednesday or Thursday then you already know what I’m talking about. If you didn’t make it then you need to ensure that you don’t miss the next one that comes around. 

Always a cracking, ever evolving event that is a must for any beer lover. 

The Epiphany Beer

The Bible has a story about a man named Saul who was a bit of a prick for most of his life until one day, on the road to Damascus he was struck down by a pillar of light and was violently raped by the word of the Lord. Now if my memory of the Catholic Brothers school system serves me right the main gist of the story was that Saul had been blind all his life and in a moment of pure, divine clarity he understood the truth. There was something in there about goats too I think, I forget, but anyhow, this is not a religious blog, no! This is blog about beer, a religion of a different kind, and I friends, I am here to spread the good news...

The reason I bring this up is that I had a very similar experience a few years ago in the early 2000s (noughties? The o’s? Has anyone figured out what to call that decade yet? I’m settling for The Nilch) I had drunk what my dad had drunk for most my late teenage/young adult life which was usually Cascades/Boags draught and the occasional Heineken. At BBQs I’d bring a 6 pack of Cascade Pale Ale and I went through an awkward stage where I swore by Toohey’s Extra Shi, sorry, Dry. It was a dark time... Then, one day whilst in an Italian Restaurant in Northern Sydney with my family and faced with a beer list full of umlauts and words ending in e, I passed on the usual Peroni and picked a beer which would forever alter my perception of what the word actually meant...

Hoegaarden Forbidden Fruit, I chose this on the basis that the label had a naked chick on the front and the word Hoe in the name (hey, I was 22). The waiter cracked the lid and the rest is a little blurry for me. My Mum says I appeared dazed and confused, like a small puppy high on acid that had been dumped in the middle of a hardcore side-trance rave. My Dad says I spontaneously began to speak in tounges. All I remember is that sublime, almost spicy taste. This magical elixir was as far removed from the Lager I’d taken for beer all my life that it may of well come from an alternate dimension. I still have the bottle which I treat with all the reverence of a religious relic.

This was an example of what is known as the epiphany beer. Similar to the pursuit of Zen Buddhism, it is a single, perfect moment of clarity and understanding which reveals how little you really know. I didn’t transform into an enlightened being overnight, I’d still take six packs of lager to parties for a few years yet, but the point is it was this from this moment that I was open to trying different beers and styles. I’d have other beers over the years that I’d consider epiphany moments, the first time I had Little Creatures P.A , the night with the Innis & Gunn, my mate Stringer’s grandad’s homebrew (I think I saw the devil) all of these moments have lead me to who I am now; someone whom spends a ludicrous portion of his pay on craft and imported beers, people tell me I have a problem, I shoot them a look halfway between pity and contempt sprinkled with a tiny dash of the crazed fanatic and proudly declare that it is a problem I’m happy to have.

So take the time to remember your own pantheon of epiphany beers. They may no longer be your favourites, your tastes and preferences having evolved since, but it is well worth remembering where it all began. Remember, a journey of a thousand beers begins with a single sip.

Top 8 "um... what? Beers.

At about 1:30am on January 1st 2011, as I sat in a living room with the remainder of the beers that had been part of an exquisite New Years line-up, (including the aforementioned Dark Island Reserve), unaware of the proverbial Pandora's Box that sat inconspicuously on the table in front of me. Earlier in the day, as Dave and myself had spent the early hours of the evening on a bottle shop crawl, we had just called stumps on the day's purchasing when the brew in question called out to us, serenading us like a siren at sea. Dave and I both examined the bottle; Southern Tier Imperial Creme Brulee Stout... I recognized each of the individual words on the label but somehow when combined in this order in front of me, I was confounded... The language might has well have been some ancient scrawled text, transcribed from a leather-bound Necronomicon by arthritic church-tower bell-ringers.

"If its 20 bucks or under I'll grab it." I muttered at the time, unaware of the spell that was to be cast. The shop keeper brought it up on the till. $20. I looked at Dave as a feeling of unease came over me... That was too easy... way too easy... Fast forward to 1:30 am. Three gentlemen sit in an Elwood apartment, a stones throw from the beach. Three fresh glasses sit on the table, I open Pandora's Box. It pours like velvet, (well... if.... if velvet had liquid properties... like a fine, furry cream... no, lets just stick with velvet...) the colour is a rich toffee brown... like a forgotten chocolate éclair that has been melt on the dashboard of a car in the sun. I grasped the glass firmly in my hand, looking down into the creamy elixir and I can almost feel the devil's eyes staring back at me, once again, the Siren's song is strong, willing me to take a sip, seducing me to taste its fiery passion. (I... think I may have just invented Beerotic Fiction... sweet)

What I tasted in the wee small hours of that morning will probably stay with me for life. This was not a beer, this was a wild landscape of flavour on a level of surreal absurdity that would have given Salvador Dali an inferiority complex. It was creme brulee, liquefied and bottled, labelled and distributed and then cleverly hidden amongst beers to disguise it. It was the David Bowie of the beer world, with an approach so flamboyant and outlandish it confuses the older generations with its ambiguity.

So, after a rather long, drawn out introduction... I bring you the Top 8 "um... what?" Beers, a collection of maverick beers with outlandish flavours that will leave you staring into your glass saying "um.... what?". A collection of beers so absurd and ambiguous yet so genius in their intent, that I was originally going to call it the Ziggy Beerdust collection, but thought it may have been lost on a few people.

8. Kinshachi Nagoya Red Miso Lager

We commence the countdown with a confounding and complex combination of not only words, but flavours. The first thing that should naturally jump out is that there is a lager that has a flavour attached to it, completely going against the "tastes like licking sanitized walls" thing that lagers so proudly have "going on. The second thing that should be noted is that this is a flavour that doesn't promise a pleasant beer blend. I mean, chocolate stouts, coffee porters, raspberry wits... these all sound appealing, if not appropriate... but Miso Lager? Having said all that, I was actually fortunate enough to come across this one in a Japanese restaurant in Melbourne, and was actually quite taken back by the delicate flavour and blending with the overall body of the beer. Kind of like spilling miso soup into Fosters, but in a pleasant "actually that's not bad" way.

7. Cave Creek Chilli Beer

Ok, so the whole chilli beer thing is not overly new, outlandish or flamboyant, but... look at the photo. Each bottle has an individual whole chilli inside. This is chilli beer actually doing what it says on the label. Its been likened to drinking a bottle of carbonated Tabasco Sauce, such is the fiery heat of the beer. I can't imagine anything more confusing, to be honest, I mean, nothing soothes the mouth after, say, a Vindaloo or a Chilli con Carne quite like a cool refreshing lager, so imagine the drunken juxtaposition of trying to battle the heat of an Indian meal with one of these? It'll be a double pronged attack. You won't know where to turn. Only wasabi in the eyes could make the situation worse.... speaking of which....

6. Miyamori Wasabi Ale

I mean... ok. I can imagine this would have some sort of amazing novelty value, kind of like those bottles of beer than when they were cold enough the lady on the label's underwear would go see-through, much to the delight of 15-85 year old men everywhere. I just can't imagine a situation where I would want to drink this for leisure purposes. Maybe it'd be useful if... I don't know, work with me here... you're out of wasabi peas, but you've just realized that you have a packet of stale dried up peas that fell down the back of your freezer, and you'll serve this beer with the stale peas and hope no-one notices the difference... but... in... logical thought, a lot of serious planning would go into this happy contingency plan, deeming it unlikely, if not impractical. Speaking of Japan, impractical and novelty... its....

5. Bilk

Ok, I apologize, this should have probably come with a "Do Not Attempt to Comprehend After Eating" warning... This "beverage" can only be described as the unholy matrimony of star-crossed lovers, beer and milk, if the portmanteau hadn't already given that away. Blended with 30% milk, I can only fathom that this beer has been released to help Japanese men overcome that terrible affliction known as No-Man-Boobitis. Initial reports from the brewer suggested that they would scope out the local market before looking to promote this beer overseas. That was nearly two years ago, and very little has been heard of since. Rumour has it that it is being looked after by top men... top men.....

Last known whereabouts of Bilk

4. Kidsbeer - Tomomasu

D'you know what there's not enough of in the world? There's not enough products that encourage the pre-teen demographic to binge drink, and at the risk of seeming like I'm serving up an Enola Gay-like hammering its Japan again. I can't think of anything better than coming home after a hard day's slog as an astronaut superhero on the climbing-frame at primary school, knocking the top off a frosty cold, refreshing Kidsbeer and sitting down to watch an evening of programming on ABC3.

Brewed by Tomomasu, this soft drink/beer hybrid is a lager-coloured, foaming cola beverage and is promoted as the responsible alternative to beer for the younger generation, replacing alcohol with guarana.... oh, well... I guess that IS responsible then, because for a moment there.... wait WHAT? Another key note, is the drink's slogan. "Even Kids Cannot Stand Life Unless They Have a Drink". Pretty brave for a nation with one of the world's highest suicide rates... Bravo Tomomasu.

3. Shenandoah Brewery's Chocolate Donut Stout

I have to admit, when I saw this, my initial reaction was to rant aimlessly at the ever-expanding, collective girth of the average cheeseburger guzzling, up-size demanding, eating contest entering, bacon-in-a-can purchasing, prescription pants-wearing citizens of the United States of thisiswhyyourefat.com. But then I kinda got thirsty, and fancied quenching my thirst with a chocolate donut. Part of me really wants to experience this beer. Reading reviews on BeerAdvocate.com, it seems to have quite a strong following and when I eventually get down to the logistics of this beer, its a chocolate stout, with raspberry undertones. It actually sounds positively delightful. But the initial image of a Homer Simpson-like slob killing two birds with one stone will probably be the one that stays with me. Much like this one... its...

2. Tom Seefurth’s Mamma Mia Pizza Beer

Ok, I thought that this had some real potential, brewing a flavoured ale with hints of oregano, basil, olive and tomato. Why not, I mean, coriander seems to be entering the brewer psyche recently, and pumpkin ale had its moment in the sun, although that moment went all "pumpkin-two-weeks-after-halloween" pretty quickly. However.... this is pretty much a beer brewed with that flavouring powder you get on pizza shapes, leading it to be referred to as the Bacon Bits of the Beer world. Don't get me wrong, I freakin' love pizza shapes, but... I don't know, its kinda like opening a packet of mi goreng noodles, throwing the white curly stuff away and throwing the rest into a fermenter... Actually.... might have to give that a go... Something I will definitely not be giving a go though is this....

1. Hondenbier Kwispelbier

Oh how I wish I was making this up... It's a steak flavoured beer for dogs. No clever writing necessary, the Dutch have beaten me to it, with their comedic poetry in brewing. At zero percent alcohol, this literally beefy ale is one to crack open when you want to share a beer with man's best friend. The problem is, after 3 or four Kwispelbiers, (not something easily ordered whilst intoxicated, but unlikely any bar would serve anyway) man's best friend starts eyeing off anything around the room that remotely looks like another dog, and before you know it, ol' rover is pulling the moves on that teddy bear you won on that duck shoot game at the local fete. He's in for a rude shock in the morning.

What's in a name?

Dost a name maketh the beer? Or is the idea of naming a beer an arbitrary decision that shouldn’t take up important time that could be better spent drinking the very beer that is being named?

My firm belief is that the name should be the lowest on the list of priorities when crafting a beer but I can’t help the feeling of fun and satisfaction when you come across a name of a beer that is just perfect. 

Let’s have a look at a couple of my favourites.

Bridge Road B2 Bomber

It’s big. It’s bold. It’s well equipped for any aerial assault in a combat situation.

It kind of even looks like a stealth bomber. Almost blue-black, has a steely glow, is undetectable by radar and quietly sneaks up on you when you least suspect it.

I remember fondly of a night at Biero when I first had the B2 Bomber and before long it had  swept across the clearings of the venue and opened fire on my platoon. 

Casualites. Even collateral damage. 

Enjoyably consumed. Enjoyably named. 

Murray’s Spartacus  

Right. The Spartacus.

Is this the most aptly named beer that we’ve seen? I’m saying that it is. It’s big. Big in the most empirically Roman way you could possibly imagine. Constructed to stand the test of time and be remembered as a symbol of greatness. Think Colosseum. That’s what I mean.

The perfectly apt name has been paired with a equally applicable tag line now that it has been bottled. “It Kicks Arse.” It certainly does. 

I could write all the words in the world but none will capture The Spartacus like that does. 

It kicks arse. 

2 Brothers James Brown

It’s tough to discuss this beer without breaking into a shameless, possibly offensive impression of James Brown (the musical artist, obviously). 

I don’t know if I’ve heard any review, description, shout out, passing comment or eavesdropped conversation about this beer that didn’t include the word “funky”.

This will be no exception.

Funk is a hard thing to capture in the form of taste. In this case pure funk is bottled, labeled and distributed to participating bottleshops. Banana and chocolate is rampant over a beautiful Belgian ale. 

Get up, get on up.

Hargreaves Hill Phoenix

A big, brash, red bird rising from the ashes in the intense heat of the leaping flames, but all the while gaining strength through the ascension to the heavens.

What? You think this is a ridiculous description of a beer? 

Clearly you’ve never had the Phoenix. 

It’s the biggest, smokiest, strongest red ale that you could lay your eyes on. Even swirling the head around gives it an ash-like look. Drinking the ale through this head gives the visual representation of the red bird rising from the ashes!

Literal. 

I don’t know what more you want from a beer name. 

Murray’s Imperious

im·pe·ri·ous/imˈpi(ə)rēəs/

Adjective: Assuming authority without justification; arrogant; domineering.

Another entry from Murray’s? I know what you’re thinking. Come on Dave, show some imagination and talk about a different brewery. Well if you just relax and read on then you might agree with me. Geez.

Let’s go back to the dictionary meaning. Assuming authority without justification. 

Perfect name for this big ale. 

The Murray’s Imperious burst on to the scene of the Great Australian Beer SpecTAPular without much notice, but it quickly established itself as the big man on campus weighing in at 11% as the heaviest beer of the day and it was an instant favourite of mine. 

The Murray’s folk seem to have the knack for a good name.

There is a sample of some names I've particularly liked in the past. 

If there are any that I have left out that need a mention then please remind me. It's late, you can't expect me to remember all the great names. 

End. 

The Great SpecTAPular 2011 Aftermath

Well well well.

So concludes another installment of The Local Taphouse's Great SpecTAPular, and what a wonderful day it was.

For the folks upstairs Mother Nature provided some very pleasant weather for enjoying the craftiest of the craft beers, and the most micro of the microbrewed beers on a sunny rooftop garden that Australia has to offer.

For the folks downstairs, well it was still good but it doesn't include the features of the aforementioned beer garden. Mainly because the downstairs bar hasn't got a beer garden. Forget it.

It was a great way to enjoy some classy brews.

The downstairs bar had more Aussie than... something like...  never mind, but it had a great deal of Aussie.

Most of the hundreds that attended had the interest and level of appreciation to grab a paddle and sample at least the majority of the beers that was on offer.

After I had finished the 19 samples on offer I did have a certain level of satisfaction, but also I was amazed by the overall quality of every entry.

There were some styles that were entered by the breweries that I don't particularly show an interest in (namely the wits and lagers) that I thought were very good. The Otway Organic Blueberry Hefeweizen was a particular joy that I wasn't expecting due to my staunch prejudices.

The Kooinda Raspberry Wit was another pleasant experience for a style I wasn't overly excited by.

Enough opinion for now, there will be a little bit more of that later on.

In attendance were a lot of the head brewers (as expected) from the breweries that submitted entries to this wonderful event and due to the educated crowd these figures were recognized and had praise heaped upon them for their wonderful work.

This created something of a "rock star" element to the event that was unexpectedly exciting, but it was nice to see that interaction with the punters.

Also noticeably present was The Crafty Pint who was travelling with a camera man and conducting filmed interviews with some of the brewers when he could find the requisite space in the excessively busy top floor of the Taphouse. This suggests a new feature that might be added to The Crafty Pint website, and what a wonderful new addition this would be.

Winners of the night, in the humblest of my opinion, were the 4 Pines Wee Heavy strong scotch ale and Murray's Imperious Belgian blonde ale which were both just fantastic. Oh, so good.

I've just lost my train of thought when I think back to how good those two beers were.

It will be interesting to see which if these get picked up as seasonal releases for the breweries so we can enjoy them continuously. One that I wouldn't mind being turned into a seasonal is Fanny Gertrude's Anzac Bickie Beer from the Burleigh Brewing Co. Initially, when I found out that this was on the list for the event I thought it might be a little bit of a novelty, but upon tasting it I realized that it was a genuinely lovely tasting beer. The Anzac biscuit flavour was clearly there but it's a smooth, clean ale that is strangely sessionable.

Okay, you people aren't interested in hearing more of my boring opinions and beer evaluations, so this me signing off.

I believe we'll hear more about The Great SpecTAPular from Rian shortly.

*waits expectantly*

8 Beers to Make Any Drinker's Bucket List

I'm not dying, nor have I ever been, to the best of my knowledge and at the ripe old age of 27 I'd hope not to for some time yet. But in recent months, as the diverse world of beer consumes me at a greater rate than I could consume it, I found myself starting to compile a list of beers that, given an unlimited budget, I hope to consume before I die. Sadly, and perhaps rather ironically, after much addition and consideration, any actually attempt to consume all beers on the list in any reasonably terminal period would probably result in death anyway, as well as death to anyone else who was out on the road between my house and a suitable kebab shop at the time.

So here is a somewhat shortened version of my beer-bucket list, both as a personal note and a recommendation to anyone who has started writing their own but couldn't get past Carlton Black when trying to think exotic... It should also probably be mentioned that this isn't so much about taste... I've actually only tried two beers on this list, both were pretty amazing as it happens, but this is more about trying something interesting, bizarre and once in a lifetime. So to get proceedings under ways, he's a friend of mine, he's a friend of yours, IT'S.......

8. Brewdog's Tactical Nuclear Penguin ($130 - 160)

The Brewdog brewery was always going to feature heavily in any list that involved beers being drunk before you die, but more often as the cause of death. Tactical Nuclear Penguin, at a hostile 32% alcohol, is a beer that demands respect in the same way a dictator would with clinical brutality and the military. Probably also quite likely to end up silhouetted on a t-shirt wearing a beret, worn by hip young idiots in a display of ignorant irony.

I once had a gentleman liquor dispenser (bottle shop dude) describe it to me as being similar to crushing up a block of sketching charcoal, soaking it over night in a cup of methylated spirits before waking up bright and early to take it all in through the nostril. But he described it with such glowing adoration, like that of a old lady remembering her first romance, that it made me lament the fact I had never in my life woken up to a nose full of charcoalated spirits. Given the relatively widespread availability of this one, it should be quite a realistic target, cost aside.

7. Samuel Adams' Utopias Beer ($500-550)

Non-carbonated and rolling at an unrelenting 24% alcohol, this one-off special brew by one of the United States' widely distributed craft breweries is more of a grainy, vanilla tasting liqueur than a beer. But the reason that this beer makes the bucket list is its copper-finished, brew kettle decanter which is meant to replicate the old brew kettles that have been utilized by brewmasters for centuries.

What would be the point of drinking a beer just for the bottle if its on your bucket list and you won't get long to enjoy it? Well I can think of far worse containers for my ashes to be kept in. But with only 8000 of these ever produced back in 1999, and initially retailing at $100USD, you're already paying collectors prices, five times that of the original.

6. Orkney Brewery Dark Island Reserve. ($45-50)

For me, 2011 started in the perfect fashion. I'd spent the final moments of 2010 drinking an amazing selection of ales with two of the finest gents a man could drink beer with. It had been over 10 months since I had first laid eyes on this Aphrodite of beers and had made a deal with myself, loudly in the shop, that one day, I would make this beer mine. We sat on the hill by Elwood Beach as the new year began and we drank this amazing oak aged dark ale, watching the city explode with fireworks. In a moment of clarity possibly as a result of being caught up with emotions, I declared this beer to be the finest made in history, as I heaped praise upon its brewers and their ancestors.

Dave described this beer to me in his epic three-part review (via paperback) as; "complex to taste, yet an alcoholic behemoth. It looks like a dream to pour, and smells like all your favourite memories liquefied." He also used the word savoury on more occasions that acceptable outside of being behind the counter at a deli, yet this beer is exactly that. Its also the kind of beer you'd imagine sharing with your old man after returning from a long voyage of exploration across raging seas. Not sure why entirely... I also felt thankful for having a beard.

5. BrewDog's Sink the Bismark ($180-200)

Guess who's back, back again, BrewDog's back, tell a friend (at the responsible drinking board of UK)

You know, when trying to explain my passion for craft brewing to people outside of the know, I desperately try to portray the world of brewing as a sophisticated art form produced by some of the greatest visionaries of our time, but for some reason, when I picture the brewdog boys doing their thing, I always seem to conjure up two men in a trashed flat, smashing plates over each others heads and taking it in turns to scream "YOU NUTTER" at each other like some sort of glitch in that Naughty Bear game on X-Box.

When Tactical Nuclear Penguin was first released it set a record for the strongest distributed beer, The record was short-lived however with German brewer, Schorschbrau, recently reclaiming the mantle releasing the 40% strength Schorschbock. Not to be outdone, on alcohol content or tongue-in-cheek European domination, Brewdog were quick to knock out this 41% IPA, and a cheeky name, to boot. After which they presumably went back to their plate-smashing, nutter-calling game.

4. Dogfish Head's Midas Touch Golden Elixir ($20-25)

Ok, this is the cheapest and most widely available beer on this Bucket List, but it has a fairly intriguing back story. This recipe is the actual oldest-known fermented beverage in the world! It is an ancient Turkish recipe using the original ingredients from the 2700 year old drinking vessels discovered in the tomb of King Midas. Somewhere between wine & mead (coming in at a pleasant 9% alcohol) it is said to be a particularly dry ale that will please Chardonnay and beer drinkers alike.

I really like the idea that science and archaeology are finally teaming up to bring us something that we can enjoy (apologies to Time Team, Tony, Mick and Phil will always have a place in my heart). Now if only we could use the same technology to work out what sort of pizza ol' Midas would have after a couple of brews, we could open up a series of franchise gastro-pubs, giving us the ability to one day afford all the beers in my bucket list and live forever happy.

Until that day, I'm stuck with Domino's and Boddingtons.

3. Antarctic Nail Ale ($800-1200)

It has become glaringly obvious to me of late that I'm never going to get to feel the comfort of a leather jacket made with the hide of a white rhino, or mosey around the trendier parts of Melbourne showing off my yeti-skinned leggings and live poodle moccasins, but the Nail Brewing Company has finally given me another outlet to consume mother nature in ways she never intended and would be horrified if she ever found out.

Introducing the Antarctic Nail Ale, made by chiselling ice from caps in Antarctica, melting down to the purest water possible and making quality beer from it. Only a handful of bottles were made, many of which were donated to raise money for whales. Rumour has it that they were gonna call it Nailed Whale Ale, but had to pull the name after demand in Japan sky-rocketed. Marketing thought this would send the wrong sort of message.

2. Tutankhamun's Ale ($50-60)

Same concept as the Midas Touch, except exchanging Egypt instead of Turkey and Tutankhamun instead of Midas. Why is this one higher in the list? Its got its own m*therf*cking sarcophagus. I'm actually willing to concede here for a moment that the beer could taste like Tooheys New blended with Hahn Ice, and I'd still think it was pretty awesome, but given this is brewed in a Cambridge Laboratory from a recipe found in a temple which housed a brewery believed to have been built by King Akenhaten, Tut’s predecessor and likely father, makes the likelihood of this brew being anything similar to the aforementioned pigswill highly unlikely. Also, how insignificant would you feel if you were an ordinary beer at a bottle shop next to this Adonis of liquid container-age... It'd be like nipping to the bathroom and finding yourself at the urinal during the interval of the Men With Large Member's Convention 2011.... motherf*cking sarcophagus...

Though limited, it is said to be available with not a great deal of hunting... No sightings in Melbourne yet.

and finally... if it was ever in doubt.

1. BrewDog's The End Of History ($750-800)

This is proof that brewing is art. Anarchic and nihilistic whilst remaining beautiful, even in death. Possibly the worlds first Apocalypse themed beer, only 12 were made, with each bottle having a squirrel or vole taxidermied around it, presumably for the "LOL's," and containing a beer of 51% alcohol, stronger than the majority of spirits on the market.

Some have suggested the idea of having taxidermied animals wrapped around beers is severe overkill, barbaric and typical of humanities desire to destroy all that stands around like some sort of planet-sweeping virus, but these are the sort of people who live in tents attached to Kombi vans.

I personally think its adorable, and if I ever spawn offspring that upon their ultimate demise, get taxidermied around a brewdog creation, I'll be the proudest father you'll ever see. I mean look at them, they're wearing top hats... they think they're people! People with bottles in them... obviously, but... nawww...

To think that this is the final word in the extreme beers chapter from BrewDog seems a little sad, like they may have peaked too soon, gone out too hard too early. Although, they've not really left a great deal of elbow room for muscling any more craziness into a beer. And what could top this? I'm hoping that BrewDog has a White Album up it's sleeve after this Sgt Peppers of a beer.

To be honest, I can't fathom the idea of what a 51% beer would be like, nor would I want to, it'd be like trying to guess what being hit by a train is like, moments before impact. Best to just sit back and embrace the surprise (and the bodily trauma).